Monday, May 25, 2015

Overwhelmed Again

These past few cycles of treatment have made my life and the life of my family very challenging. Who cares about hair loss, fatigue, and the myriad of other physical side effects that have made my life different from what it used to be. But, the build up of the steroids (kept my body from inflammation during the chemo treatment) and anti-anxiety drugs (helped me not to get nauseous and not to throw up during the chemo treatment) in my body are another story. 

This is a part of the chemotherapy process that isn’t really talked about nor well known. We all associate chemo with hair loss, nausea, and fatigue. We don’t associate chemotherapy with anger, confusion, agitation, feelings of sadness, loss of interest or pleasure, loss of memory, problems with memory, trouble sleeping, or trouble concentrating. You may be wondering how this is possible. Side effects.

For the past few months, my family and I have been on this chemotherapy roller coaster that they never chose to be on. I have to be on this roller coaster, because it is a part of my treatment. They are on it whether they like it or not. Families of chemo patients need so much love, understanding, and support also.

I don’t think that your oncologist can predict the exact side effects that you will experience during your treatment nor can they explain or prepare you for them. To be honest, I haven’t disclosed all that I have been experiencing, emotionally, to my oncologist, because I know what the solution will be: more drugs with more side effects which will put more pressure on my liver. 

Throughout this time, I’ve shed many tears. About my cancer? No. (This still baffles me but has a simple answer: Jesus. He has kept me and protected me, even from myself). About this and that? Yes. I can’t fully verbalize this, but those ahead of me in their treatment know what I am talking about. Today, I had one of those moments, but a good one. I was coming out of the bathroom, when I remembered the wall hanging that is seen as people enter our home. The majority have no idea what it says (unless they ask), because it is in Chinese characters. I know because my husband told me what it said when a missionary gave it to us. It says, “Immanuel.” It means God with us

Well, as I thought of these words, God with us, I was overwhelmed again. He is with me. He is with my family. He has never left us nor forsaken us. Even when I go cray cray, He is with me. Even when my world seems to have a fog over it. He is here. Even when I pull away from Him. He is with me. I started crying and dropped to the floor in thankfulness to Him. As I sat on my kitchen floor, I saw that God is still so good to me.

by pheenie23