Hearing the news that you have stage 4 breast cancer knocks the wind out of you.
Hearing the news that you have to go through intravenous chemotherapy and that you will lose your hair when you thought that you were done with oral chemo: no words.
When Dr. K told me the news that I would have to be switched to intravenous chemotherapy, I was shocked. I had thought that I might not have to go through it; at least, not for a long time. I had expected to hear that my liver cancer spots had shrunk, and that I would be going back to hormone drugs. She also had to break the news to me that I would be losing my hair.
Let's go back a bit. When I first heard of the spots in my liver (July), I had thought that I would lose my hair during chemotherapy. I prepared my heart and was ready. When I heard that I would be taking an oral chemo drug and that I wouldn't be losing my hair, I was ecstatic. Hearing that I would be losing my hair when I thought that I would be going back to hormone drugs, not prepared.
As I waited for the nurse to come and talk to me about the chemotherapy, I was in shock. I was trying to process everything that I had not been expecting. All I could do was express my confusion to the One who had my life in His hands. I know that He is good. I tried to rest in the promises that I had felt that He had spoken into my life.
For the next two days, I was trying to process what had happened. I prayed. I read His Word. I allowed myself to mourn. This is the same pattern that I have gone through after hearing not-so-good news regarding my cancer. In the end, I mourn and grieve and then He revives me. He strengthens me. He renews the hope in my heart.
This is not the Moni I have always known. The old Moni would stayed depressed for a long time. The new Moni makes me wonder if she is in denial. But, I'm not. Ask my husband. Really.