Don't Get Robbed

Last Friday, there was a miscommunication, and I ended up going to see Dr. K when I wasn't supposed to. I was supposed to go this Friday before my chemo. My memory these days…

I talked briefly to my nurse and found out that I'm not the only one who hates the Neulasta shot. After telling her about the severe back pain and bad flu-like symptoms, the receptionist (who was waiting to ask Nurse J a question) commented that all the patients talk, not so nicely, about the Neulasta side effects. Those side effects are supposed to get better with each shot. We'll see.

When I got home, I had to crash and sleep - after eating, of course. Going back and forth from the hospital, wiped me out. But, the rest of the day, I wrestled with my feelings. Haven't had these types of feelings in a long time. I felt as if this darkness was looming around me. I know this sounds weird, but it felt as if it was trying to make me feel "bad." I wanted to cry, but I tried to ignore it and push it aside.

Anyways, that night, we had church. As I sat in the pews getting ready for the service, a flood of feelings of unworthiness, depression, and condemnation, tried to take their place in my heart. I can't tell you how overwhelming it felt. So many thoughts sped through my mind.

Why are you here? 

You don't belong here. 

You call yourself a pastor's wife? 

You're full of sin.

You can't worship God.

But then, I felt as if Jesus whispered, "I paid for all of that." 


And I believed Him.

I had forgotten… once again.

Then, there was:

Freedom

Liberty

Joy

Thankfulness

Worship