I talked briefly to my nurse and found out that I'm not the only one who hates the Neulasta shot. After telling her about the severe back pain and bad flu-like symptoms, the receptionist (who was waiting to ask Nurse J a question) commented that all the patients talk, not so nicely, about the Neulasta side effects. Those side effects are supposed to get better with each shot. We'll see.
When I got home, I had to crash and sleep - after eating, of course. Going back and forth from the hospital, wiped me out. But, the rest of the day, I wrestled with my feelings. Haven't had these types of feelings in a long time. I felt as if this darkness was looming around me. I know this sounds weird, but it felt as if it was trying to make me feel "bad." I wanted to cry, but I tried to ignore it and push it aside.
Anyways, that night, we had church. As I sat in the pews getting ready for the service, a flood of feelings of unworthiness, depression, and condemnation, tried to take their place in my heart. I can't tell you how overwhelming it felt. So many thoughts sped through my mind.
Why are you here?
You don't belong here.
You call yourself a pastor's wife?
You're full of sin.
You can't worship God.
And I believed Him.
I had forgotten… once again.
Then, there was: