Cataracts and Cancer

Even before my brain surgery, I had been noticing how blurry my vision had been getting. Once I found out about my tumor, I assumed that that was the culprit. Unfortunately, my vision got worse after my surgery. It worried me a bit. I even thought that I needed to prepare myself for going blind - that is how bad it was getting.

When I finally went to the optometrist, she said that my prescription was the same but that I probably had cataracts. Was not expecting to hear that. Cataracts come to everyone with age. She told me that I could have it corrected with a simple surgery. Better yet, she told me that they would switch out my cloudy, cataract lens with a prescription one so that I wouldn't need to wear glasses! Whoa!

When I called the ophthalmologist for an appointment, I was told that I had to wait 2 months! Let me tell you that by this time, my vision was getting blurrier and blurrier. It was like walking around without my glasses - even though I had my glasses on. I couldn't read signs. I couldn't make out what products were around me when I went to get gym shoes with A1. I couldn't tell who people were. I was afraid of going somewhere and walking past someone. In Asian culture, that is really rude... especially for a pastor's wife. If you saw me somewhere and I passed you up, I am really sorry.

Well, the week after I made the appointment with the ophthalmologist, I got a random call from a nurse. She worked for the insurance company and was wondering if she could help me with anything. I asked her what type of things she could help me with. One of the things she mentioned was appointments. I told her my situation, and she was so happy to help me. I mean, she was really excited and happy that she could help. It turns out her mother had cataract surgery with the same doctor that I was going to see. She told me about how nice and skillful he was. She also told me to prepare to stay at the office for at least 2  hours because of tests. She called me back the next day and my appointment was moved up, and she told me that she had talked to the front dest about contacting me about any other cancellations - so that I could take that appointment. A few days later, I got a call for a cancellation the next day or so. 

Side note: Can I tell you? When I went to the ophthalmologist, I was the youngest patient there. People were looking at me wondering why I was there. 

So hear I am. I saw the ophthalmologist, had all the tests, and am scheduled to have cataract surgery on my right eye, on Monday. If everything goes well, a month later, I will have surgery on my left eye. 

Now, I have to go to my oncologist's office on Monday, before my surgery, to have a blood test. My platelet count has been really low on top of my low immune system. Platelets help your blood to clot when you bleed. They just want to keep me safe. 

Oh yeah. The cause of my cataracts: the steroids I took before, during, and after my brain surgery. Also took those steroids before the chemo treatment I used to have (Eribulin/Halaven). Steroids are strong.

Asking for prayers, once again.

Weird Happenings

It was the Thursday night after my cerebellum surgery.

It was so clear that I couldn't ignore it. I thought I might have heard something. I only heard it once. I never heard it again.

It was a "ding" sound.

The room was silent... other than the oxygen and IV machines.

My eyes were closed. I could only speak in a whisper. I had to keep "distracting" myself to think of "other" things because my sense of smell was so sensitive... even to those "mild" smells.

That "ding" sound made me open my eyes and look around the room. Did I imagine it? Was I going a little loopy? Was someone playing a joke on me?

I looked around a few more times...

Don't know what happened, but it happened.



Then, there was that other happening... It was like a "little box." The little box of my cerebellum. It was opened during my surgery - literally and figuratively! I had these little thoughts there. When it got filled, the words would spill out. Well, they would spill out during my sleep. I would wake myself from my sleep blurting these things out. They even showed up in my dreams. Sometimes, I would wonder, "How did you know?"

I would think it, the thoughts would go to my brain, and they would, eventually, come out.

That is the only way that I could describe it. It happened for one and a half months, and then it stopped.



There was also the times that I saw large bugs out of the corners of my eyes. Yes, bugs. Later, I realized that they were one and a half inch cockroaches. I saw glimpses. Never saw them directly. I would lift the blankets or whatever was in front of me to make sure they weren't there.  I told my husband about it. I can't imagine what he was thinking about life with me after my surgery!

We never had cockroaches. Spiders and ants - yes, but never cockroaches! I would have left this home a long time ago if they were here! It happened for a few months. Then, it stopped. It  was hard to tell whether they were real or not - at times. But, they weren't!

These are the weird happenings of my life after brain surgery and crazy meds!

MRI Results and This Navelbine

Friday, I went to see my neurosurgeon about the results of my second MRI. We had to wait a while, because they were pulling up the scans on the computer. Can I pause and tell you how nice the nurses in that office are? They have been consistently nice and so caring! My husband took a few minute nap and was refreshed for the diagnosis. I needed him to hear everything the doctors said, because I forget so easily.

The doctors came in and told us the news. The scans showed that everything was clear. So thankful!!! No new growths. The downside: I'll have to get MRIs every three months, so they can monitor my cerebellum. Was hoping for the next one to be in six months.

I am continuing to go through my Navelbine side effects. I have experienced a sore body, fever, sharp pain in my head, fatigue, jaw pain, ear ache, and it felt like sores were forming in the back of my mouth. Yesterday, I drank a green shake, one ravioli, two bananas, a few spoonfuls of vegetable jjook (congee), and drank two cups of grape juice. My jaw hurt so much that I couldn't chew. Everything felt like rocks, when I chewed. It didn't help that when I chewed, it would pull on my ears and pain would manifest itself.

Don't yell, but I forgot to take Tylenol yesterday. I think that I didn't take it, because it didn't help with the ear ache on Thursday. Will try it today.

For those of you on Navelbine, you are not alone in experiencing ear aches. It is not listed as a side effect, but people are experiencing it. For a while, I was a bit afraid that something was growing in my brain again. Looking it up on the internet helped me to see that people are experiencing this side effect. I wasn't going cray cray!

Navelbine Treatment #1

Wednesday, was ok. The nausea caused by the Navelbine kicked in. I didn't want to take a nausea pill. You know the drill: more meds, more side effects. The nausea was better than the Eribulin/Halaven, but it still made me want to scream at times. You don't want to do that? I sure do.

Thursday was one of those days. I thought that after Wednesday, I was going to be better... Woke up with a bit of a headache, ear ache, body ache, swelling and pain in the back of my throat, and a coming fever. All of this made it difficult to eat. Move your mouth, move your head, ear, and throat. 

I had to watch my fever before taking a fever reducer, so I kept taking my temperature from 10:00 am. The fever kept rising, and I could feel it taking over my body. When I get a fever, you can't tell by touching my face. My breath gets really hot. Thoughts of going to the ER gripped me. I didn't want to go to the hospital, again...

I slept for most of the afternoon. That was the only relief. When I took my temperature after waking up, it was definitely rising. I had to call my oncology nurse. Thankfully, she told me to take a fever reducer and to see if the symptoms got worse. No ER. 

The ear and throat ache eventually got to me. I admit that I shed a few tears because of the pain. I also looked up the symptoms and found that this is common with Navelbine. I kept thinking of having these side effects and the side effects of the Neulasta (white cell boosting) shot next week. Yikes! 

Praying that these side effects will pass quickly!

Friday, I am meeting with my brain neurosurgeon about my MRI results. Please keep praying!

Say What?

For those of you who know me well, this has been one of those weeks! It has been squished with A LOT of things to pray for.

One of those things happened on Wednesday. I finally made an appointment with the optometrist for my blurry vision that has been getting worse. If there was anything wrong, she could refer me to an ophthalmologist. I had a series of tests, met with the optometrist, had my eyes dilated, and met with the optometrist again. She told me that I had something that people who are a lot older usually get: cataracts.

Basically, the lens in your eye gets cloudy and they have to replace it. They replace it with a silicon one. She told me that for younger people (I'm in that category!), they usually slide in a prescription lens so that you don't need glasses anymore. You can either get it completely clear and wear reading glasses OR you can get a prescription a little bit lower, see near and far, but wear driving glasses. The thought of not wearing glasses sounded really good to me! But one thing was on my mind: will I see them operating on me?

My husband has had eye surgery and he reassured me that they conk you out. Relief! I will have to talk to my oncologist about the diagnosis when I go in for chemo.

Eye surgery... Yes.

No glasses... Maybe?

How's Your Health?

My life is filled with doctor visits. I can't keep track sometimes. If I don't write it down, I will definitely forget it. Sometimes, I forget as I am about to write it down.

The last visit to the oncologist, I saw another doctor because my oncologist was out of town. My CT was a week after seeing the other doctor. When Dr. K returned, she saw the results and asked me to come in to the office. It freaked me out. She never called me in like this. I was praying big time.

These past few months, the tumor markers in my blood have been steadily going down. Dr. K and my nurse had been so pleased. My husband made a comment to me that I shouldn't rely too much on those numbers. Of course, I got upset at him for saying that. But, he was right. My latest CT scan showed that the spots in my liver and bones had gotten a bit bigger.

Dr. K asked me to come in because she wanted to share this news in person. She also wanted to tell me the new strategy for my cancer. I'm changing chemo meds again. Any time the cancer spreads, they have to change the meds. Ugh! New medication, new side effects. But then, Dr. K threw me a curve ball! She was going to try and see if she could get me treated (chemo) in her office!

You see, my insurance would not allow me to get treated there. That is why I went to another treatment center. It was fine with me because I, also, really like the nurses at the other facility. They know me, and I know them. They are so nice and caring to me! No complaints here. But, I am also so blessed by my oncology doctor and nurse!

Well, I found out on Thursday that I can get treated in my doctor's office! This is a miracle. I am so thankful for this opportunity! Dr. K and my nurse can monitor me more closely. Who would have thought!

So... next Tuesday, I will start my first chemo treatment of Navelbine at my oncologist's office. Please pray.

Oh yeah, I have my second brain MRI on Monday at 7:00 AM. This is to make sure that nothing is growing back in my cerebellum. Please pray that all will go well.

You Lost Your Song

These past 7-8 months since my brain surgery have been quite the challenge. I thought that I could handle all that would follow my surgery, but I realized, quickly, that it was completely different from all other surgeries: 3 c-sections, mastectomy, thyroidectomy, oophorectomy, port implant...

There were no words to describe what my mind and body were going through. It took months before I could describe the mental aspect as "living in a cloud." I was surrounded and nothing was clear. I just wanted to be at home and to be in warm weather. I couldn't think. I would forget everything in my short term memory. I would scream sometimes. I would have difficulty recalling words. I would have difficulty talking. I would be melancholy. And I would just want to cry - never knowing why I was crying. At times, I thought that I was going crazy.

I knew that the meds were doing this to me, but which one??? I'm on so many meds that it is difficult to pinpoint the culprit. I would seek reassurance from my husband that this wasn't "me." I didn't want to talk to my oncologist about this, because I knew that the answer would be another drug with more side effects. Side effects that I always seem to take in. Ask all of my nurses.

Then, one day, the words quietly came, "You lost your song." I had. I had been living day to day. It felt like all I did was eat and sleep. I didn't have much strength for much else.

I needed to get back up, but how?

This was the struggle I was faced with. How do you "get back up" when it is caused by medication(s)? How do you get back up when you don't know the cause? How do you stop the physical crying?

Physical. That is when I met someone who suggested that I ask my oncologist to get off of the steroid cocktail that I took before each chemo treatment. I asked, and it was reduced from 5 to 3 pills. These meds are so powerful that you have to get off of them slowly. My goal was to get off the steroids completely. My chemo nurse told me that she saw patients on my chemo who did not have to take any other meds to help them through the treatment (If you remember, I had great difficulty when I first started the Eribulin/Halaven). My appetite and mood were affected soon after. My thyroid levels were also off because of the steroids. That was adjusted and I will see my endocrinologist at the end of this month.

Emotional. A random person also left a comment on my blog saying that what I had written about a cancer drug that I had taken had helped him/her. It encouraged me to know that what I wrote had encouraged someone else. You can't time stuff like this. I know that God knew that I needed those words.

Spiritual. But the one thing that has truly kept my head above the water has been His Word, the Bible. This past January, I decided to listen through the Bible instead of reading through it. My eyes have been blurry since my surgery. I only started driving short distances a few weeks ago. Writing is harder because I have to take frequent breaks to rest my eyes. I strain and squint a lot.

His Word has been life to me. I could have sunk lower. I truly believe that His Word helped me to remember that He has purpose for me on this earth. Most of all, He reminded me time and time again that I am so loved!!! Even though I am as messed up as I am (meds or no meds), He is with me.

Do I still cry? Sometimes. Do I still feel like a cloud is following me? Not as much. Do I feel like I verbalized everything well? NO. This is the limited ability I have as a human and as a human who had brain surgery. Be patient. But that song I lost is slowly coming back to me.

Trying

I'm going for chemo at 9:00 AM. If you remember, the last time I had a fever and was admitted for a week at the hospital. Please pray that I can get treatment. I haven't had chemo for my liver since August, and the tumor markers in my blood have been rising.

Needing a lot of prayers lately...

Re-Starting

Last week, I had a CT scan of my abdomen area. The results were expected: more spots in my liver but, thankfully, none in my other organs. This is a good thing.

My oncologist was waiting to get started on my liver chemo after I was done with the Dexamethasone (steroids). After I regained some strength.

Then, this weekend happened. Read yesterdays post. My oncologist had to put me back on the steroids, and it seemed to help. My knees did well Saturday to Sunday morning. No pain.

Unfortunately, after 6:00 pm tonight, my knees started to get stiff and swollen. I took Tylenol. Dr. K also gave me a prescription for a more powerful pain killer. It is in the family of drugs that I might or might not be able to take. We discussed this. We will see. I just don't want to have to take it and not be able to go to treatment on Monday.

I'm a bit anxious about my knees. I don't want to be in pain again. I'm praying!

But, the show must go on for my liver! I have to go back on chemo.

So I need MORE PRAYERS.

Tears, ER, and Teeth

After 7 long weeks, yesterday was the last day that I was supposed to stop taking Dexamethasone (steroids).

My life - Dexamethasone = more normal life

I couldn't wait.

Then, after dinner, I felt like I was getting a fever. There are two things that I don't usually get: headaches and fevers. My body started to feel warm and achey. My husband was at church with the kids and I had to call him home after it was over.

10:00 pm. That is when it all began. During my Dexamethasone time, I've had a few "arthritic" episodes. They have been centered on my knees to my ankles and towards the end of the week. I would usually wake up in excruciating pain, and it would feel like someone had used at 2 x 4 to crush my knees and left me there. I couldn't stay still nor could I find any type of comfortable position. It was just a waiting game for the Tylenol to set in (usually 1-1 1/2 hours). Just pain. During those times, my heart would remember those with rheumatoid arthritis...

Yesterday, I was going back and forth from a fever. I had to call my oncologist. Thankfully, she was the physician on call! My fever wasn't so high, so we decided to ride it out the night. Usually, cancer patients have to call when they have a fever 100.5 or above because it could mean that it is the sign of some type of infection.

Weirdly, I could feel something in my knees as I talked with her. We talked and hung up. Then, the full force started to hit me in my knees. Why does it always happen like that? My knees started to freeze over and I ordered my husband to give me 3 Tylenol (I have reactions to Vicodin/Morphine so this is usually the pain relief I get). I was in pain and now was just waiting. I also told him to give me a towel to bite on. I bite down with the pain - we live in a townhouse.

Well, I waited and waited. Relief never came. Five hours passed. Another Tylenol and two more Advil. Had to call my oncologist at 3 am again. I ended up going to the ER because I couldn't take it. I was a sweaty mess with a towel in her mouth.

My husband had to literally carry me downstairs. Not fun. They accessed my port at the ER and gave me some type of medicine - relief. I slept for 2 hours. Then, they discharged me.

As soon as I got to the car, I could feel the pain start again. The doctor gave me a prescription for some pain patch, which I argued with my husband to stick on my arm immediately. When I called my oncologist hours later, I had to immediately take it off. Powerful stuff with addictive, powerful side effects.

Have to call my oncologist who was on call all weekend and my brother has to pick up a prescription tomorrow. Apparently, they can't give prescriptions when on call.

Back on the steroids for now. But, I am glad to if it will stop the arthritis.

Can you also pray for my teeth? They have a been a bit achey and some don't look good. A friend said that after her chemo, she had a ton of cavities. I've heard of people who have had chemo and afterwards had to get dentures. Don't want to go there. Have to find a dentist also.

Ok. Have to stop. My eyes are squinting and closing.

Overall, needing prayers!!!

Post Gamma Knife Radiation

It has been three weeks since my Gamma Knife Radiation. I got there at 5:45 AM and must have gotten home at 4 or 5 in the afternoon. I was clamped into that device for most of the day. If you look on my round, stretched, steroid head, you will see how that thing was screwed onto my skull. A3 sometimes, still, can't look at it...

People ask: did it hurt? They do put anesthesia on the tips. It hurt a bit - hey, but I'm a mom. They told my husband to leave the room. I had to squeeze that "little brain, squeezy thing" really hard. The anesthesia kicked in later. Screws in your head. Then, I was fine.

When they were wheeling me to get the MRI, I saw my husband in the waiting room and I lost it. Had to ask one of the physicians to hand me tissue. Isn't that the hardest part? Seeing someone you love see you like that?

Which reminds me, my writing, speaking, proofreading (?), are not... always there. Be patient. Please.

As far as they could see in the scans, they got everything that needed to be taken care of with the MRIs. So thankful! I believe that I have to go back in a few months for another check up... have to ask my husband.

Have seen my oncologist twice to figure out treatment for my liver cancer - had to stop the chemo because of the ER visit. Unfortunately, the tumor markers in my blood have been creeping up. I will have another CT scan next Wednesday at 9:00 AM. This will determine my continued liver cancer treatment. Most likely the chemo + Neulasta shot that I have been receiving since January.

Please keep praying!

Gamma Knife Radiation

Have been on steroids since the ER visit. Not fun. Bloated. Exhausted. Low muscle tone. Very little sleep.

Will go for treatment tomorrow to get any residual from the surgery. Praying that it is the only treatment needed.

Going in at 5:45 AM. A few hours?

Please pray.

Trust Jesus

Had this chorus repeat itself over and over in my head. I don't even know the name of the song. It was a song we sang during worship. Just these two words stuck out. Thank You, Holy Spirit!

August 31
Had chemo

September 1
Xgeva shot

September 2
Woke up with a migraine (never had a migraine before), nausea, vomiting, dizziness, no balance, couldn't keep my eyes open
Went to ER
Had CT/MRI
Found tumor in my cerebellum
Couldn't eat but being pumped with meds

In retrospect
My vision had gotten horribly worse, despite an exam 2-3 months ago
Had been having major balance issues
Had some headaches sometimes (never dealt with headaches before)

September 3
The tumor in my cerebellum was the size of an egg
Met with my oncologist
Met with a neurosurgeon
Met with a neuro-radiologist
There was agreement that surgery would be the best option with radiation therapy after I recovered

So wanted to go home
So weak from not eating well and all the meds
Finally was able to go home
Would not have been able to if it had not been Labor Day Weekend

As we exited the final exit off the highway, I was overwhelmed with tears. So thankful for such a loving husband. So thankful for my wonderful children. So thankful for supportive, loving, praying family. I have lived such a blessed life! Why didn't I realize this more!

September 8
5:15 AM            Go to hospital
6:00 AM             Specialized MRI for surgery
7:00-7:30 AM    Surgery

Spiritually
I am covered
I can't describe the love of God that has filled and strengthened me

Physically
I need strength
Still recovering from last week's chemo (aversion to smells/not being able to eat well)
Still some nausea
Still some balance issues
Still physically weak

On Steroids
14 days to keep the swelling down
The nurse said that I could develop acid reflux
Please pray that I won't develop any stomach issues so that I can eat well and be strengthened

My Friend's Brain Surgery
A blessing in disguise
It helped shed the fear that comes with brain surgery

Having to Go to the ER
Brought all of this to light
None of it had shown up on my blood tumor marker
The neorosurgeon said that if it had not been brought to light, I would have been in a coma in three months

So thankful!

Prayers Go Out

A dear friend of mine had major surgery on Monday. They found a slow growing tumor in her brain - the size of a clementine. She has had it for years. Thankfully, it was benign. Unfortunately, they found it too late to save the vision in her right eye. She had most of it removed and will have radiation after she recovers from the surgery. 

I ask that you lift up "M" in Jesus name. Please pray for her recovery. Please pray for her husband and two young sons. 

Overwhelmed Again

These past few cycles of treatment have made my life and the life of my family very challenging. Who cares about hair loss, fatigue, and the myriad of other physical side effects that have made my life different from what it used to be. But, the build up of the steroids (kept my body from inflammation during the chemo treatment) and anti-anxiety drugs (helped me not to get nauseous and not to throw up during the chemo treatment) in my body are another story. 

This is a part of the chemotherapy process that isn’t really talked about nor well known. We all associate chemo with hair loss, nausea, and fatigue. We don’t associate chemotherapy with anger, confusion, agitation, feelings of sadness, loss of interest or pleasure, loss of memory, problems with memory, trouble sleeping, or trouble concentrating. You may be wondering how this is possible. Side effects.

For the past few months, my family and I have been on this chemotherapy roller coaster that they never chose to be on. I have to be on this roller coaster, because it is a part of my treatment. They are on it whether they like it or not. Families of chemo patients need so much love, understanding, and support also.

I don’t think that your oncologist can predict the exact side effects that you will experience during your treatment nor can they explain or prepare you for them. To be honest, I haven’t disclosed all that I have been experiencing, emotionally, to my oncologist, because I know what the solution will be: more drugs with more side effects which will put more pressure on my liver. 

Throughout this time, I’ve shed many tears. About my cancer? No. (This still baffles me but has a simple answer: Jesus. He has kept me and protected me, even from myself). About this and that? Yes. I can’t fully verbalize this, but those ahead of me in their treatment know what I am talking about. Today, I had one of those moments, but a good one. I was coming out of the bathroom, when I remembered the wall hanging that is seen as people enter our home. The majority have no idea what it says (unless they ask), because it is in Chinese characters. I know because my husband told me what it said when a missionary gave it to us. It says, “Immanuel.” It means God with us. 

Well, as I thought of these words, God with us, I was overwhelmed again. He is with me. He is with my family. He has never left us nor forsaken us. Even when I go cray cray, He is with me. Even when my world seems to have a fog over it. He is here. Even when I pull away from Him. He is with me. I started crying and dropped to the floor in thankfulness to Him. As I sat on my kitchen floor, I saw that God is still so good to me.

by pheenie23

CT Scans and Tech Scans

Last week, I had my three month CT scan. I cannot believe how quickly time passes. It was my "off" week of chemo, and it was packed with different appointments and engagements. Things just come in large waves - a lot of times.

Thankfully, I remembered to pick up the oral contrast ahead of time. I headed to the hospital with my stomach full of the water/oral contrast solution and more bottles of water for the next two doses of the contrast.

As I drove, I prayed. I thanked God for loving me. I thanked God for always being with me. Then, I had the thought to pray, "Please, help me not to 'read' the CT tech's body language." The CT techs are not supposed to tell the patients the results of the scan (big lawsuit) - only the doctors can do that. They try their best not to reveal anything, but they are human. They feel, and as a result, you can "feel" what the results are. The thing is that until you hear from the doctor, you aren't 100% sure. That means days of worrying for something that you are not completely sure of.

On this day, I asked God to help me not to read the tech so that I could enjoy the week. And, that is what He did. I couldn't read the techs. It was nice to walk out of the hospital not knowing.

The week was CRAZY with activity that was out of my control. I didn't hear from my oncologist, and I decided not to call her. The CT was on Monday, and I was going to see her on Friday. By Thursday, I started to waver about calling her. What if it was bad news? I didn't want to come out bawling from her office or while driving home. What to do? What to do? I ended up not calling.

When I was face to face with Dr. K, we talked about our families and then she told me. The cancer in my liver was stable. What does that mean? It means that it has not spread or grown larger or gotten smaller. From her perspective, that means that the chemo has been working and that we can continue to use it (three more months). Some of the tumor markers in my blood have also gone down which is always welcome. Hearing the news was like a fresh, island breeze to my soul.

Thank You, Lord. My life is in Your hands. You know better than I.

Amazing Love

This one is timeless and never too late.

by Peggy Merrit

By His Wounds

Meant to post this on Good Friday. Please excuse my lateness.

"Who has believed what he has heard from us?

And to whom has the arm of the Lord been revealed?

For he grew up before him like a young plant,

and like a root out of dry ground;

he had no form or majesty that we should look at him,

and no beauty that we should desire him.

He was despised and rejected by men;

a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief,

and as one from whom men hide their faces

he was despised, and we esteemed him not.

Surely he has borne our griefs

and carried our sorrows;

yet we esteemed him stricken,

smitten by God, and afflicted.

But he was pierced for our transgressions;

he was crushed for our iniquities;

upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace,

and with his wounds we are healed."

Isaiah 53:1-5

Losing It - Again

My hair has been growing. Growing to heights that I didn't think that I could achieve without gel and hairspray. I woke up each morning to a new Yu-Gi-Oh hairstyle. I had to use hats to calm the voluminous waves that were created while I slept.

I so wanted to cut my hair, but was waiting since hearing from my oncologist that my hair would be falling out. Didn't want to waste the money of a haircut. So, I've been waiting and tugging my hair daily. Sometimes my kids would see me tugging my hair, and they would laugh. Why tug? Because I wanted to see if it was the day to shave my head! Let me clarify: I didn't tug all day. I would do periodic tugs. Being a second time chemo-hairloss-person, you just know when it's that time.

But, each day my hair kept growing. And growing. This time it had more of curl to it - no need for any perms. My hair looked puffy. The other day, a certain person who lives in this house who is not A1, A2, or A3, asked if I had gained weight. The answer was no. It was my puffy hair.

Well, the day has finally come. My hair is falling out in chunks. That is, when I tug at it, pull on it, or rub it. This is the stage of hair fall out, that I like to have my husband shave my head. Why now? Why not wait until it falls off by itself? I can't stand it. It is like having a Siberian husky shed chunks of its fur all over your clothes. Try getting all of that off your clothes. It ain't easy. It takes many of those roll-tape-things, and a lot of time.

This morning, I was sitting at the table with my children, and I kept pulling at my hair - it's a bit addictive when it starts falling off - and telling them that today was the day that I was going to have my head shaved. When A3 saw how I was pulling my hair, he came and started pulling my hair. After a few pulls, he felt bad for his momma and stopped. An hour and a half later, I went upstairs to his room to see what he was doing. I lay face down on his bed as he created creative creations out of his Legos. Then, he just reached over and pulled my hair. I'm telling you, it is a bit addictive. It doesn't hurt me. It's just neat to see how much will come off when you tug.

So I waited for my husband to come back from church. Had the clippers ready. Had him shave my head. We took some pictures for memories sake. Have one with all the shaved hair (from pic below) on top of my shaved head - looking like a mohawk. Thought it might be too wild of a picture to put here. We also made sure to throw away the hair, so that A2 didn't get to it and try and make a wig for one of her dolls.

And you know what! I look thinner! Fluffy hair can add weight on you. Have to remember that.

Now, I can wear the "IT" hat of Korea that my sister-in-law sent. Am I wearing it right?

Don't worry about me. God has me covered. I was actually looking forward to not having hair again. It is so much easier to take care of!

Halaven (Eribulin) Cycle 1, Treatment 2

Monday. The day I like, because I get to rest from the weekend. The day I dread, because I'm supposed to get chemo but don't know if I can. The child in me was hoping that my white blood cell counts would be too low for treatment. The adult in my knew that I needed to get treatment. Sigh.

As I had mentioned last week, my oncologist thought that I might be having a psychological reaction to everything. She prescribed Ativan (Lorazepam). Ativan is an anxiety drug that does have some anti-nausea properties. I wasn't too sure about this decision. I didn't want another powerful drug that had more side effects.

Well, I took an Ativan at 8:00 am. I went to the hospital. Got my blood drawn. Waited for the results. Found out that my white blood cell count was down to 1.0 (1.5 is the count needed to get chemo). My oncologist gave the ok because I was going to give myself the Neulasta (white blood cell boosting) shot the next day.

Thirty minutes before my chemo treatment, I was given another Ativan, a Compazine (anti-nausea drug), and 5-6 Dexamethasone (steroid). I waited and started to get a little more foggy. Tired.

Then, the Halaven came. I asked for a plastic container just in case. Then, I closed my eyes. I didn't want to see anything. I didn't want to be told when the injection occurred. I heard my husband and the nurse talking. I might have said something here and there. I was tired. Might have fallen asleep at certain points. Can't remember.

AND THEN, it was over!!! I couldn't believe it! I didn't feel a thing!

Thank you all for your prayers!

When I got home, I was super tired. I fell asleep before my husband left to pick up our children from our homeschool group. They came and I tried to wake up, but I couldn't. A bit scary. It took another hour or so before I finally got up.

Today, I'm still tired. Gave myself the Neulasta shot at 12:00 pm. I'm getting better at giving myself shots. The things you learn. Still having problems getting restful sleep through the night since starting the Halaven. Or could it be the Compazine? Or could it be the Dexamethasone? Who knows?

But, so thankful!