Wednesday, December 21, 2011

D - Pression

The one thing that really surprised me about my crazy, cancer situation was that I wasn't depressed. I know myself. I am willing to admit that I am a person who is prone to depression. I'm not supposed to say that out loud as an Asian American nor as a pastor's wife, but I don't want to lie. There have been several times in my life where I have plummeted to the depths of despair. These were times where I couldn't just "snap out of it." I couldn't just think happy thoughts and be happy again. It is something that some people hide (as I did) and others cannot understand.

Learning that I had stage 4 breast cancer, thyroid cancer, hepatitis c, and rheumatoid arthritis was definitely a time that could justify traveling down that dark road. But, I wasn't depressed. Don't get me wrong, I did have days that I felt down but I didn't stay there. Depression clings to you and doesn't want to let go. Not being depressed perplexed me. Why wasn't that dark cloud hovering over my head? Was I in denial? 

The answer came from my husband's mouth. It was simple and true. Why hadn't I thought of it sooner? People were praying for me. A lot of people. My family. People at my church. People at my parent's church. People at my sister's church. People at my mother-in-law's church. People at the school that I taught in Korea. Friends and their churches. Relatives of my friends and their churches. Pastor friends and their churches. People in the U.S. and around the world. People who didn't even know who I was or what I looked like! Something only God could do...

From that horrible day in February until today, I have felt this quiet assurance that He wants to draw me closer to Himself. Like a child being lovingly embraced. Embraced to feel loved and protected.

God is so good.

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