Friday, October 26, 2012

What Do You Do With Broken Dreams, Part IV

What Do You Do With Broken Dreams? Part I
What Do You Do With Broken Dreams? Part II
What Do You Do With Broken Dreams? Part III

Giving birth was never easy for me. I had three c-sections and a lot of scar tissue. Each surgery got longer: 30 minutes (A1), 1 hour (A2), and 2 hours (A3).  After A2 was born, I was strongly advised to not have anymore children. Everything was stuck together with scar tissue. This made it very difficult to get the baby out. The doctor had to cut and suture. Cut and suture.

When A3 was about to be born, the doctor called for another doctor to help her because I was a scar tissue mess. I remember her saying, "Get Caroline! Tell her to come in and help me!" I also remember her saying,  "I can't find her bladder. Where's her bladder?" After getting through all the scar tissue and finding my bladder, she got on top of a stool and pushed him out by pressing on top of my stomach. I didn't realize until I went in to get the staples removed that I was completely bruised up. Another doctor took out my staples and the first thing she said was, "you poor thing, what happened to you?" That's when I realized how beat up my body had been.

In some ways, I felt as if God had closed this door to having more children. If I could have, I would have had a fourth child. But, I knew that He knew better. Maybe this was His way of directing our focus more on what we had desired for so along: adoption?

This longing grew stronger and stronger. Reading His Word, continued reinforcing God's heart for orphans: that He wants us to care for them. We met so many families who had adopted and shared their stories with us. Was this the time?

I felt as if there was a missing member to our family. Sometimes, I would cry thinking and praying for our fourth child. She was out there, but we weren't together yet. These pangs of pain for our special, fourth child were reinforced by my children. They would keep asking for a little sister. I would just pray for God to allow us to find and adopt our little one.

But then, my cancer.

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